When we decided we were ready to start a family there were beyond plenty of topics to discuss. First was timing, would there ever be a “right” time??? See, the thing about gay couples starting a family is… well there is no such thing as an accident, no pleasant surprise if you will, so planning comes in to play, and can lead to high anxiety. Do we wait until we feel we have saved enough money? What’s enough money? We are both in our 30’s so time is of the essence, the reproductive specialist we began working with in February of 2012 was sure to inform us of that factor. We both want to have a child, Kari was eager to go first and I am more than fine with waiting for my turn (due to my significant white coat syndrome).
So next there were plenty of tests/blood work to ensure everything was fine and Kari was a healthy candidate for Intrauterine Insemination. The tests went great, we are almost there, last was picking the donor. This was an exciting yet stressful path. We discussed many options, there were willing friends, designated donors, we even discussed asking family members (not of the birth mothers of course). Figuring the DNA of one of my sibling’s combined with Kari’s DNA would be the closest that we would come to seeing what a baby would be like if we could have one together. We ultimately decided on using a donor, I mean seriously, imagine if I scolded my temper tantrum throwing toddler during Christmas dinner and all my brother could think of is hey, don’t talk to my kid like that… things could get extra uncomfortable at Grandmas! Choosing a donor was by far one of the most difficult decisions we have ever made in our existence. This is essentially the equivalent of choosing a life partner, minus the dating, wining & dining, conversations, and meeting what may be their deranged family. There’s no break-up if you don’t like their personality, family values, poor dental hygiene or sleeping habits. This man that we pick to be the donor of our child will impact part of their life, his hereditary traits will follow the child, his looks will be a part of their looks, this decision is MAJOR!
After our personal preferences on standard features, (hair, eyes, height, ethnicity) were determined we had to figure out what health problems that the donor or their family has had/have would be permissible. This process took time, finally we narrowed it down to three finalists, we ordered their pictures and rushed to our email in-box, within seconds there they were; the possible 50% attribute of our future children. Contestant #1… I shriek, NO! I was disappointed he was not at all what I was expecting. “Ok well that was just the first one, open the 2nd”, I blurted with slight hysteria. “What” I screeched “Nooooo”. Frustration fell over us both. Kari huffed that with my extremely high standards, (which I like to refer to as finicky at best) that we will never find someone suitable. With just one picture left, we hesitantly double clicked, we were relieved, we found our donor! He has everything we are looking for, including good looks, phew… Yes!
We both feel secure in our choice, we feel lucky and blessed that we easily agreed on such a significant issue. Now we are ready!