It has been ONE YEAR since my last post, I can’t believe it! I parted ways with this blog for some time due to FEAR. I was afraid it wouldn’t work, we wouldn’t get pregnant. So many IUI’s for Kari later, unexplained infertility and the emotional ups and downs were wearing me out. I didn’t want to build up a purposely unsuccessful entity, so I paused, with all intentions of resuming my passion and telling our story at a later date. Well it’s time! I was recently re-inspired to share, and hopefully this blog will allow my child/children to understand the love they were created out of and the want that existed for him/her/them. Since the last post on 5/9/13 there has been a world of change. Kari has had 2 additional IUI’s held at the fertility clinic and 3 at home IUI’s. She had an HSG test and blood tests galore that showed no damn reason why she wasn’t getting pregnant. We decided I would begin trying to get pregnant and we began alternating in between my IUI’s at the fertility clinic and at home IUI’s for Kari. We happened to be able to time it out where there was a 2-3 day lapse where we would find out if I was (wasn’t) pregnant and we would try the at home IUI with Kari. I resulted in 3 unsuccessful IUI attempts, I was put on Clomid during my first shot, Kari still had Clomid in her system from her recent attempts, can you imagine our household?!.. Two women on this high hormone drug that makes you a bit of a raging lunatic. Not recommended! In hind site, maybe that’s what I would change! The most important ingredient to this whole experience’s recipe is SUPPORT! Without it you are lonely, you will feel crazy and the self doubt and blame will over power hope. Luckily Kari and I knew when the other was having a bad day, we knew when to stay away, and when to talk more. It took time and there was no method, rhyme or reason. You just had to listen.
The waiting period was by far the most brutal, what’s that feeling, is it a pre-menstrual cramp, or is an egg attaching to uterine lining. Am I tired because I’m PMS’ing or because I’m pregnant. When you think you may be pregnant you do things differently, you drive slower, you REALLY look both ways. But after some time you can read every PMS sign to a tee,then you realize, it didn’t work, I know it. You make the dreaded I’m not pregnant, I just know it” phone call. The other end of the line tries to convince positivity, and now you realize that you are not only that you are PMS’ing but also that you are not pregnant. Boy oh Boy are you pissed. Seriously I have to remind myself that we had an almost 2 year trail of these ups and downs and didn’t get divorced. WE ROCK!
I just finished watching all of our video recordings of the first 8 IUI procedures for Kari. I stopped video recording and taking pictures at IUI’s after that. I stopped blogging after that. I thought I had walked under the pregnancy curse ladder and a black no-pregnancy cat crossed our paths. Pictures and blogging were bad luck all of a sudden. Going over the recordings you see hope, followed by wish, followed by a slight sense of desperation. We were slowly breaking. When I began trying I was thrilled at the chance of success. After month #2 I was devastated, you see I’m a competitive person mixed with a high level of sensitivity and anxiety, I don’t do well with what I consider failure and I stress out easily. So I focused on what I thought I was doing wrong. Also I started running just prior to these IUI tries and liked it, so of course I tried to get a couple of very light slow miles in during the never ending 2 week waits and when the IUI didn’t work, I blamed it on the 2 runs I took and (maybe?) shouldn’t have. And when I decided I would try yoga instead and the 3rd IUI didn’t take I though maybe I twisted to hard or stretched too long and ruined my shot. But when I stayed inactive I was miserable. Emotionally I was a wreck, Kari handled the entire procedure so much better than me. After try #3 our sperm order was out and money was just behind it. Kari works for a corporation that has great health insurance, I work for a small independent company that has so-so insurance. Since our fertility procedures were considered elective, mine covered nothing. Kari’s covered at least some of the costs and my one month was equaling out to 2 tries for her. After some calculating we realized we could have had an IVF twice over by now. So I stopped. We decided to focus on Kari (who by the way was/is so eager to be pregnant) versus myself who was willing for the ultimate result, a healthy/beautiful little baby. We began working on the process of IVF.
A loan, a months wait (while on birth control pills, go figure) and a headache’s worth of bills and photo copies of endless instructions later Kari was scheduled for an egg retrieval and the procedure. We were going ALL IN!
Some pics from our multiple IUI’s